RANDY'S FAVORITE QUIPS AND STORIES
Some funny, some serious, all worth reading.
The Story of Four Men Named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, and Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up the Everybody blamed Somebody, when actually Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
The moral of the story: Everybody would come out ahead if Nobody blamed Anybody and we all worked together.
Revised Metal Pipe Specs:
The following revised metal pipe specs have been provided by a consortium of revisionists.
1) All pipe is to be made of a long hole surrounded by metal centered around the hole.
2) All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length.
3) All pipe is to be of the very best quality and perfectly tubular or pipular.
4) All acid-proof pipe is to be made of acid-proof metal.
5) The O.D. of all pipe must exceed the I.D. Otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
6) All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam, or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
7) All pipe is to be supplied without rust, as this can be more readily applied at the jobsite.
8) All pipe is to be cleaned of any covering such as mud, tar, barnacles, or any cow manure before being installed.
9) All pipe over 500 feet long must have the words "Long Pipe" clearly painted on each end so the fitter will know it is a long pipe.
10) A pipe over 2 miles long must also have these same words painted in the middle so that the fitter will not have to walk the full length of the pipe.
11) All pipe over 6 ft in diameter is to have the words "Large Pipe" painted on it so that the fitter will not use it for small pipe.
12) All pipe closures are to be open at one end.
13) All pipe fittings are to be made of the same stuff as the pipe.
14) No fittings are to be put on pipe unless specified. If you do, straight pipe becomes crooked pipe.
15) Fittings come in all sorts of sizes and shapes. Be sure to specify the direction you are going when ordering.
16) Fittings can be bolted, welded, or screwed. Always use screws as they are the best.
17) Flanges must be used on all pipes. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.
STRIVE FOR PERFECTION - OR ELSE!!
If 99.9% is good enough, then.....
Two million documents will be lost by the IRS this year.
811,000 faulty rolls of 35 mm film will be loaded this year.
22,000 checks will be deducted from the wrong bank accounts in the next 60 minutes.
1314 phone calls will be misplaced by telecommunications services every minute.
12 babies will be given to the wrong parents each day.
268,500 defective tires will be shipped this year.
14,208 defective personal computers will be shipped this year.
103,260 income tax returns will be processed incorrectly this year.
2,488,200 books will be shipped in the next 12 months with the wrong cover.
5,517,200 cases of soft drinks produced in the next 12 months will be flat.
Two plane landings daily at O'Hare International Airport in Chicago will be unsafe.
3,056 copies of tomorrows Wall Street Journal will be missing one of the three sections.
18,322 pieces of mail will be mishandled in the next hour.
291 pacemaker operations will be performed incorrectly this year.
880,000 credit cards in circulation will turn out to have incorrect cardholder information on their magnetic strips.
$9690 will be spent today, tomorrow, next Thursday, and every day in the future on defective, often unsafe sporting equipment.
55 malfunctioning ATM's will be installed in the next 12 months.
20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions will be written in the next 12 months.
114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes will be shipped this year.
$761,900 will be spent in the next 12 months on tapes and compact discs that won't play.
107 incorrect medical procedures will be performed by the end of the day.
315 entries in Webster's Third New International Dictionary of the English Language will turn out to be misspelled.